Couples Therapy
Jack* and Diane* are fully committed to each other, but things have been off.
Lately, when they talk about things, there is tension between them. They try to sit down to discuss the future, finances, family, but the conversation goes south quickly. Both end up defensive and attacking. Neither of them set out to fight, but here they are again.
They used to be able to understand each other easily without even talking things through. Now there are so many words and so many disagreements. Attempting to come to each other with big or exciting ideas suddenly feels like a bad idea. They are talking less, often just to avoid an argument, and it is starting to feel like they are living separate lives.
They valued their relationship and didn’t want to “rock the boat.”
It became easier just to avoid talking sometimes. If they talk about it and fight again, the relationship could begin to crumble. They have built a life together that they both want to continue. Both Jack and Diane still want the image of the future that they discussed earlier in their relationship.
They are both willing to ignore these topics to stay together. The reality is that ignoring these topics is just driving them farther apart. If they can’t connect and discuss the things important to each other, the relationship might not survive.
Wanting to rekindle their intimacy, they tried couples counseling.
Even making the appointment was a relief because they knew they were doing something to strengthen their relationship.
The first thing I did was give them an intake assessment. This consists of a structured interview where I met with them as a couple and as individuals. I ask questions about their relationship, how it started, what their history together looks like, when it got off track, what an ideal relationship looks like, their individual history, mental health, and family of origin history.
From there, they filled out a written assessment that helps me understand what areas they need to work on – conflict management – and what areas they are doing well in – knowing each other’s preferences. The assessment has scaling questions that look something like this: I feel emotionally close to my partner: Strongly agree, agree, neutral, disagree, strongly disagree.
They then entered the “treatment phase” of therapy by looking at themselves and asking what each could do to improve the relationship. Instead of focusing on what they each wanted the other person to change, I helped both of them recognize changes they could make to allow for more successful communication.
I pointed out wording and behaviors that were derailing them mid-conversation. I showed them new ways to talk to each other that allowed them to become closer than ever.
Suddenly, it all made sense why they were lonely and disconnected.
Jack realized Diane wasn’t trying to hurt him with her way of approaching him but that she was expressing her hurt and needs.
Diane realized Jack wasn’t trying to push her away by remaining silent during conversations. Instead, he was so afraid of losing her he chose to say nothing rather than risk saying the wrong thing.
The results?
They began communicating more effectively.
They started to enjoy their time together more.
They opened up and provided each other the emotional support they needed.
We made a plan for them to maintain these changes in the long run, and they graduated from therapy feeling connected, content, and safe within their relationship.
Don’t suffer through this alone anymore.
If you’re ready to stop feeling lonely and connected to your partner, then it’s time.
Call today, and let’s schedule your couples assessment: (507) 216-0106.
*Names changed to preserve client confidentiality.